Stop. Don’t Recipro-compliment. Just Accept the Gift.
If someone compliments you, fight the urge to compliment them back.
“I just wanted to say how much I like your shoes, they look great!”
Boom, it happened. Someone just complimented us. The problem is we’ve now entered those dreaded seconds after someone says something nice to us. What do we say back? How can we quickly change the topic? What should we do with our hands?!
What we usually say: “Thank you! I like your shoes too, they look so comfy!”
A better thing to say now: “Thank you for noticing, I appreciate that!”
Let’s face it, it feels good when someone says something nice about us; even if we’re embarrassed by the attention at the same time. Whether it’s an idea we suggested, a joke we told, or the new shoes we wore today, it’s great to feel appreciated and recognized.
The trouble begins to arise the moment we realize kind words are being uttered about us. We can quickly slip into the awkward panic of figuring out what the hell to say in response. Oftentimes, we’ll immediately want to get the spotlight off of us or find some way to show that we aren’t selfishly chasing admiration or seeking attention. And that’s when we fall into the trap of the recipro-compliment.
What is a Recipro-compliment?
It may seem like all compliments are a good thing — and in a lot of ways, this is true — but one type of compliment can make things weird: the recipro-compliment.
A recipro-compliment is a compliment that is reciprocated back to someone in response to an initial compliment. When you instinctually say “you did a great job as well” after someone applauds your project, you are recipro-complimenting them.
What’s Wrong With a Recipro-compliment?
I’ve observed two particular problems with this “returned” compliment:
1) The intent and authenticity of our quickly manufactured compliment may be confusing.
- If we mean the compliment, why did we wait until now to say it?
- If the person hadn’t complimented us first, would we have ever said anything to them?
- Why would we only compliment someone if they’re willing to compliment us first?
2) By quickly returning a compliment, we’re minimizing the appreciation we show and potentially throwing the original complimenter off-balance.
- Giving compliments is difficult for many people; by quickly changing the subject, we may leave the person wondering if we truly appreciated the effort and value of their compliment.
- By quickly responding and complimenting them, we may be interrupting or changing the subject away from everything else they had wanted to say.
- Returning a compliment quickly puts them in the same position we were just in! They’ll feel the need to thank us first and then have to change the subject to get back to what else they had wanted to say.
Example: Gift Exchange
Imagine you decide to get a special holiday gift for a long-time friend. You spend a few weeks thinking of something to get him and come up with something perfect: An autographed baseball signed by the player you both idolized as kids! It was your shared, strange obsession with this unpopular player that ultimately lead to the two of you becoming friends in the first place. You even find an old baseball card of the player to include in the gift!
When the time comes to give him the gift, you’re so excited that you can’t even wait for dinner; you demand he opens your gift now! He opens it to find the baseball, and immediately says “Oh wow, this is amazing, thank you. Here, hurry up and open the gift I got for you, you’re going to love it!” without even noticing the baseball card inside.
This is a pretty upsetting turn of events. Did he even notice who signed the baseball? He definitely didn’t see the baseball card. Maybe your gift was too childish and immature.
This example is a bit literal however, it still helps to illustrate the downsides of a recipro-compliment. Sure, it’s nice of him to get you a gift as well, but couldn’t he stop to enjoy the gift you gave him first? Did he notice how much effort and thought it took to acquire such a specific gift? Why does giving and receiving a gift suddenly feel so lousy?
Accept The Gift
Ultimately, when someone goes out of their way to compliment us, it’s best to just thank them and accept the gift. If they have more to say, let them share their thoughts. Otherwise, simply letting them know how much their compliment means and how their thoughtfulness brightened the day is more than enough in response.
Letting someone know we appreciate what they said is not selfish or conceded; it doesn’t even necessarily mean that we agree with the compliment. By simply thanking them and accepting the gift, it validates their time and effort. It allows them to feel good about their compliment, and glad that you appreciated it, without bringing in any unnecessary baggage.
Compliment Them Later
The value and impact of any compliment we have for someone will always be maximized if it’s shared on its own without any reason to question its authenticity. Even if we already were planning to say something nice about someone, if they come and say something nice to us first, it’s best to just hold on to our compliment for another time.
Special Thanks
Special thanks to Noha Ghazouani for sharing this concept with me during a feedback training event a few years ago. Her catchphrase of “just accept the gift” has been an inspiration for me and helped me finally figure out what the hell to do when someone compliments me. Thank you, Noha!
