Stop Being Nice, Start Being Kind
Being Nice is Actually A Little Effed Up
Something sinister is hiding behind our attempts to be nice which must be going unnoticed, considering how often we do it.
Over my time as a human being, I’ve noticed some slightly disturbing aspects around the concept of “being nice”.
1. Being Nice Is Disingenuous
Being nice means hiding our true feelings solely for our own benefit
Attempting to be nice when interacting with someone means we adjust our behavior to be whatever we think other person wants to see or hear, not how we actually feel. This blatant attempt to convey a non-authentic behavior is rather nefarious; we’re only doing it to make things easier for ourselves, not to actually help the other person.
It’s not difficult to imagine how upsetting it would be to hear that someone we care about was simply trying to be nice and told us something that wasn’t true just so it wouldn’t hurt our feelings.
If our coworker smiles and laughs at our joke when they didn’t find it funny at all, does them “being nice” result in us being more excited or less excited to work with them?
If our friend says our new haircut looks great when they actually think it looks unbalanced and a bit embarrassing, would our friendship with them become stronger or damaged?
If someone we care about tries to be nice to us, the idea that they would be dishonest and convey a false observation creates quite an awful feeling. This inauthentic behavior will do far more damage than what sharing an inconvenient truth would do. On top of the damage from the disingenuous act, we will still have to process the painful truth in the end, even after the act of being nice is completed, so being nice didn’t help anything!
2. Being Nice Is Condescending
The moment we decide to be nice, we have assumed we’re better than the other person in some way
In order to feel the need to “be nice”, it necessitates that we currently have a desire or reason to be not-nice. Whether it’s a family member we disagree with politically, someone ahead of us in line that’s taking their sweet time, or one of our annoying cousins back when we were kids, we are coming from a place where we aren’t feeling particularly positive.
At this point, either by our own accord or through the urging of someone else, we decide that we won’t share how we actually feel and instead will put on an act.
We decide to “take the high road” and try to be nice, and we do this for one of 3 reasons:
- So the target of our niceness won’t have their feelings hurt
- So that others won’t see us as being a not-nice person
- Being nice is easier than dealing with the aftermath of sharing how we actually feel
In order for this to all take place, it means we have already convinced ourselves that we are functioning at a higher level than the other person in some way. For us to have the choice of whether to be nice — or not — we must first perceive the other person’s behavior as being annoying or foolish in a way that they are ignorant of. We are assuming that if they actually understood how they’re behaving, they wouldn’t be behaving that way.
Thus, the moment we decide to be nice, we put ourselves on a pedestal above the other person from which we can be nice and condescending. We now choose to be nice and not tell someone they have a large deodorant mark on their shirt or not tell our friend that we’re worried about their well-being from drinking too often.
3. Being Nice Ultimately Hurts Everyone
Being nice keeps people from a truth that will only help them in the long run while also damaging trust in a relationship
If someone is about to fall into a hole they don’t see, it would be wrong to not make every attempt to prevent them from falling, including screaming at them or grabbing them by the arm. Sure, yelling at someone or grabbing their arm is uncomfortable or painful in-the-moment, yet it’s far better than letting them fall into that hole when you could have prevented it.
This same concept of falling into a hole applies when sharing our genuine feelings and thoughts with the people we care about. When we assume sharing our true feelings will make other people upset, we’re not giving them a chance to determine that themselves, which is both presumptuous and condescending.
When we keep the truth from someone, they may continue on with an invalid assumption, which could keep hurting them over and over in ways they’re unaware of. Not telling someone they have food in their teeth could mean an important meeting goes poorly simply because the attendees are distracted, thus the person’s reputation may be damaged. Further, if they find out later that you may have noticed it and didn’t say anything, now they may blame you, thus damaging trust and your relationship.
I’ve often been pleasantly surprised by the way people process news I expected them to be unhappy about. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that people understand how difficult it is to share unpopular news. People might be embarrassed that they have food in their teeth however, they will still be appreciative of you letting them know since we all know it’s a lot easier to just say nothing.
Being Nice is the Opposite of Being Kind
When we use just trying to be nice as an excuse for our behavior, or when we concede to the notion that we have to be nice, we’re treating being nice as a behavior that everyone has to do to be a good person. The reality is, being kind and being a good person often necessitates telling people truths that may be uncomfortable in the short-term while helpful in the long run.
Telling someone that their joke offended you or that you didn’t like the movie they liked so much may not feel great for either person in-the-moment. It’s because of this discomfort that it ultimately shows real effort and kindness. Going through the crappy conversation of telling people how you actually feel shows you’re willing to sacrifice short-term comfort in exchange for being real, trusting, and genuinely wanting to help someone.
So, think we can find at least one time to stop being nice and start being kind?
